My thoughts
have been super jumbled lately.
Some days I’m
happy. Some I’m sad. Others I really don’t know how I feel.
At this time
last year one of mine and Girard’s dreams came to a screeching halt.
We had
finally decided we were ready to start a family.
I’ve wanted
to be a momma as long as I can remember.
I remember
feeling excited and terrified at the exact same time.
Those
excited emotions would be short-lived though…
I was
diagnosed with another blood clot.
I told the
doctor about our plans for a family.
Much to my
dislike I was told those plans would need to wait for at least six months.
I
cried. And I cried some more.
This past
year has been an extremely difficult one for me medically.
I’ve been
very open about my blood issue…but behind closed doors I’ve been fighting
another medical demon with the support of those closest to me.
It has all taken a toll on me in more ways than one...
In my last
blog, I talked about my incredible experience with Elizabeth and getting the
news that “I was good!”
I didn’t
really explain why that answer was so important…
Yes, I was
good! The clot was completely 100
percent gone! Praise God!
But that was
also the green light for Girard and I to start the family we’ve been dreaming
of.
We were
thrilled – and again terrified!
I haven’t
told anybody this…but on the way home from that appointment, we stopped and I
picked out a children’s book.
I loved the
words in it. It made my eyes water.
It would be our
baby’s first book.
I wrote a
message on the inside cover explaining why that day and that book was so
important.
It still
sits alone on the bookshelf I had in my room as a child.
I guess I
expected it to happen right away.
I don’t know
how people deal with this feeling for years…
My heart
breaks for them.
While it has
only been a few months for us…the desire has been in my heart much longer.
Each month I’ve
been reminded that I must keep waiting.
I’ve gotten
mad and screamed at God.
I’ve cried my
eyes out on Girard’s shoulder.
I’ve
pleaded, begged, and prayed.
I’ve even
tried to convince myself that I don’t care anymore.
But I know
deep down that is a big dirty lie.
I look at others
living my dream and I am filled with a mixture of emotions.
I mean this
when I say that I am over the moon happy for everyone who has or is getting
ready to have a baby! Honestly, I
am!
I just wish
it was me.
I want to
know what it’s like to feel a baby move inside me.
I want to
pick out names and decorate a nursery.
I want to experience
the incredible love at first sight that so many talk about.
We had a
really bad storm a few nights ago.
The thunder
booms were so loud and the rain just poured.
Teddy has
never been one to be scared of a thunderstorm…but I could tell this time he was
nervous.
The power
flickered a few times…so I hurried to get ready for bed in case the lights went
out.
I picked
Teddy up and sat him on top of our bed.
He waited as
I crawled under the covers and fluffed my pillow.
As soon as I
was settled he cuddled up right beside me and laid his head on my chest.
I wrapped my
arms around him tight and we laid that way for almost an hour until the storm
was over.
I thought to
myself…in an epiphany kind of way…this is what momma’s do.
They comfort
their children.
I may not
yet be a mother to a baby…
But, I’m
definitely a momma to Teddy.
And that
makes my heart happy…and it makes the sad days less sad.
