Dear Baby...

How has it been 38 weeks already?

Actually, some days I feel as if I've been carrying you with me forever.

Others, it seems like only yesterday that I was staring at two little pink lines.

 

I've been told that it's not possible, but I always worry that I'm going to squish you in the middle of the night by rolling over on my tummy.  You are getting really big lately.  Actually, this week you are the size of a swiss chard.  Your daddy and I giggled at this because we have no idea what that is.  Regardless, I'm sure in the grand scheme of this whole thing, your life and all, that you being about the size of a tiny lap dog is nothing.  But still, when I wake up I always try to get you to stir so that I know you are alright and then I tell you that I love you.

 

I know there will be things that I won't be able to recall about this pregnancy, and truthfully I hope it's part of the pain that comes in the end, but I want to remember the way your small foot feels pressing against my hand.  I want to remember how when I press and poke on my tummy, 9 times out of 10 you respond back with a kick or a nudge.  This is the only way we've been able to communicate so far and it's the first way I knew you.

 

We went to the doctor this past Friday.  You are happy and content with where you are at this moment, but the fact is...you could be here at any time now.  I think about what it will be like to kiss your skin and see your eyes...and to hear your cry.  There is no way for me to comprehend what that will be like.  I get really emotional thinking about it.

 

Not knowing exactly when you'll decide to live life on the outside has left me a little anxious.  That is a lie...  I am a lot anxious.  How many days or hours do we have left?  Will it be during the day or at night?  Have I packed everything we will need in the hospital for our first few days together?  I think your brother can sense that our lives are about to change soon.  He doesn't let me out of his sight and he follows me everywhere.

 

Unless God has other ideas, our doctors have a plan in place this coming Sunday for us to finally meet face to face.  Our good family friend, Terri, pointed out to me that Sunday is the first day of Spring, and to her it's the season of rebirth and new beginnings.  What an appropriate time for you to make your much anticipated debut!  Although I'm a ball of nerves, it is pretty exciting to know that at this time next week your daddy and I will have finally met one of our favorite people we will ever know!  I have been waiting for you all of my life.  Your daddy and I both have.  We can't believe you're almost here.

 

All my love,

Your Momma

Dear Baby...

 This is our first family photo.

It makes me smile!

Your brother kept us entertained that day.

He ended our photo session by running and jumping in the pond!

We used this picture on our Christmas cards.

You wished everyone a Merry Christmas, too!

That's right!  Your name was on the card!

You finally have a name!!!

And, you have no idea how happy that has made my heart!

 

Gradin Thomas Williams

(pronounced Gray-den)

 

We officially named you on Thanksgiving Eve.

I cried happy tears!

Since then, we've said your name a million times and each time I fall more in love!

You have your daddy's initials and share his middle name.

He wanted it that way and I think it makes your name even more special!

 

In a few days you'll be 26 weeks old.

Which means we only have about 13 more weeks or so until we meet face to face!

I can't wait to hold you and kiss you and squeeze you tight! 

You are really growing fast these days.  Almost two pounds you are! 

 

You aren't the only one gaining ounces by the day!

I haven't been able to wear my wedding rings for a few weeks now.
It just didn't feel right.  My hand constantly felt naked.
And, to be honest, I was worried about looking like an unwed pregnant lady.
So, I started to wear the ring your daddy gave me for my birthday last year.
It was always a smidge too big so I didn't wear it often.
Now, it fits like a charm! 

It's a gemstone ring, a pale bluish green color. 

So pale that in certain lighting it actually looks like a diamond.
It makes my hand feel dressed and I no longer worry about what strangers think!
I know...your momma is so silly!
The other night I was browsing through the jewelry store.
I was admiring all the beautiful sparkly gems when a thought dawned on me.
I wanted to know what your March birthstone would be.
Aquamarine is your stone.  A bluish green color.
I looked back through the glass counter.
Then at my hand.
It was just one of those "God wink" moments.
The ring was already special to me.  But now, it's even more so.

I've been thinking about God a lot lately.
How good He is.  How He always knows best.
How He already knows you...

Jeremiah 1:5
"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb."

He already knows what you will look like.
He knows what your voice will sound like.
He knows what you will grow up to be.
Who you will marry.
How many children you will have.
You were God's son way before you were ours.
How amazing.
How humbling.
How beautiful.

I love Christmas time.  It's magical.  It's special.
Every morning after I wake up, you and I share a Hersey's Kiss.
Just one!  After all, it is the holiday season and it starts our day off sweet!
I turn our Christmas tree lights on and soak in all the beauty.
And then I say the same prayer I've said for the past six months.

Thank you, God.
Thank you for trusting me to be Gradin's momma.
Thank you for giving us this opportunity.
Thank you for answered prayers.

I feel overcome by Christmas this year.
My heart is just so thankful.
And so full of love.
And I think that must have been how Mary felt on the very first Christmas.

All my love,

Your Momma

Dear Baby...

October 3rd will go down in history as one of the sweetest and happiest days of my life!

It was the day before you turned 15 weeks old.

It was the day we'd learn if God had given us a little boy or a little girl. 

We piled into the car with my momma and daddy, who you'll know as Mama Bird and Poppy, and your daddy's parents, your Mee Mee and Grand Dilly! 

Hurricane Joaquin was still spitting down rain, but off to Greensboro we went!

I can only compare my excitement that day to a child on Christmas morning! 

We weren't a minute into the ultrasound before we heard the words, "It's a boy!"

I cried!  Happy tears, of course! 

Your Mama Bird cried too! 

And, your daddy...I looked over at him and his eyes were glistening with joy! 

He later admitted that he had to fight the tears back hard! 

Sharing that experience with your grandparents is a memory we'll always cherish! 

On the way home from our celebratory dinner, your Poppy told me that seeing you had been amazing. 

I grabbed my tummy, leaned over and put my head on his shoulder, and said, "I know!" 

And then I said, "Daddy, guess what?!"

We both looked at each other and I said, "I'm having a little BOY!"

He chuckled and smiled and then said, "I know!"

 

This past Sunday you turned 18 weeks old! 

You are the size of a sweet potato, about five inches long.

We were sitting in church, the sermon had just begun, and little did I know that we were about to mark another milestone off of the list! 

It felt like a faint flutter or almost like a piece of popcorn had popped inside my tummy!
I sat there for a few minutes wondering and waiting...

And then, it happened again!

I had to swallow my squeals!

I nudged your daddy and whispered, "I think he is moving!"

He whispered back, "Who?" 

After I shot him a sideways glance his eyes got really wide and he smiled big! 

From that point forward I didn't hear a word the preacher said. 

I walked out of church beaming ear to ear!

 

I have felt you pop around every day since then too! 

It is the most amazing feeling in the world!  I smile every single time!

Every flutter reminds me that this is really happening!

That you really do exist.

That my dreams have come true.

And now I have tears in my eyes...

 

We learned that your ears are fully developed this week as well!

I wonder if you hear me.

Do you recognize my voice yet?

Can you hear me typing on the computer keys?

Can you hear all the conversations me and your daddy have about you?

We are having a hard time deciding on your name, so if you hear one that you really like...nudge me, okay?! 
Can you hear your big brother barking when he wants a snack?

How about the Christmas music I listen to everyday while I'm at work?

Did you hear me crying when I was sad about my grandma?

Could you feel me dancing around and acting silly the other day?

Can you taste the cheese and crackers I eat almost every morning?

What is it like in there? 
Are you going to someday say, "Mom.  These letters are weird."?

All I can tell you now is how we are spending our time while we are waiting for you.

And later, when you're a little older, you can tell us what life is like from your perspective.

I can't wait!

 

All my love,

Your Momma

Dear Baby...

 We've been together 13.5 weeks, you and I.
You are now the size of a peach, about three inches long.
Your tiny bones are still forming and your vocal cords are under construction.
The thought of hearing your voice for the very first time gives me chills up my spine!
I can't help but to daydream about all the conversations we will someday have.

The past few weeks floods of thoughts and feelings have rushed through me.
It's like a tornado of emotions.
One moment I'm calm, cool, and collected.
The next, my mind is spinning out of control.
I'm ashamed to admit that a few of my outburst and tears have been out of vanity.
There hasn't been a day go by that I'm not grateful to have you growing inside.
Trust me on this.  I am so very thankful.
However, coming to terms with the new shape of my body has been a little...hard.
I didn't really feel pregnant...and I didn't quite look pregnant.
Finding jeans that I could button and tops that didn't feel snug was becoming an everyday battle.

But then...when you were 11.5 weeks old, we saw you!
We saw your little heart beating.
We saw you waving your tiny little hands and kicking your tiny little feet.
I needed that moment.
I needed that validation.
There you were safe in my tummy after all the prayers and all the tears...
I think my heart grew three sizes that day.

In a few short days we will get to see you again!
Oh, your momma and daddy are so excited!
We will find out if you are a little she or a little he!
What will you be?!
The suspense is about your drive your momma insane!
Your daddy thinks you are a girl!
Some days I agree with him.  Others, my heart tells me different.
I had a dream, just last night...and you were the cutest little boy I'd ever seen.
Actually, this is now my fourth dream about you being a boy.
You had the prettiest eyes, a perfect smile, and gorgeous blonde hair.
You were wearing the cutest pair of blue jeans and you were running around in the yard with your big brother.
Oh...my heart...I just don't know if it can take it!
The tears...I can feel them coming again.
Actually, it might be another mini flood heading my way.

The love that I already feel for you is overwhelming.
I just don't ever want to miss a second of your life.
The fear of not being able to protect you could just swallow me whole.
Every night, I try to hand it all over.
He knows my momma heart.
He hears my prayers...
I have to remember that before you were mine...you were His.

All my love,
Your Momma

Dear Baby...

This week you are the size of a raspberry.  Last week, a blueberry.

I'm amazed at how quickly you are growing and changing daily.

I'm afraid I may blink...and tomorrow I will be sending you off to college. 

But, for now...you are tucked safely in my tummy; small and completely unaware of all that's waiting for you on the outside.  At some point we were all in your position. 

Maybe in some ways we still are...completely in the dark about what is to come. 

How intimidating.  How thrilling!

 

Your daddy and I, along with many others...have been praying for you for a very long time.

From the moment I saw those two little pink lines staring back at me, I have loved you.

I daydream about who you will be.  

I wonder about what you will look like. 

Will you have green eyes like me and your daddy?

I hope you inherit your daddy's skin!  I've always been so jealous of how easily he tans.

Hopefully you don't inherit my bad temper or your dad's bad spelling.

I think about names and what we will call you.

I pray that you have a tender heart and an open mind.

I pray that you'll love Jesus and always be kind to others.

I just pray for you to be happy and healthy.

You just have no idea how much I already love you.

 

Oh, and your big brother...he is something else.

Do you know that he knew about you before we did?

He hadn't been acting himself and had been super protective and extra clingy.

He sure did have us worried.

After we found out about you...it all made sense.

I keep telling him that everything is alright.

But, I think he is still a little confused.

I know though, without a doubt, that once he meets you...he will love you just as much as I do!

 

All my love,

Your Momma

 

I Want To Be A Momma...

My thoughts have been super jumbled lately. 

Some days I’m happy.  Some I’m sad.  Others I really don’t know how I feel.

At this time last year one of mine and Girard’s dreams came to a screeching halt.

We had finally decided we were ready to start a family. 

I’ve wanted to be a momma as long as I can remember. 

I remember feeling excited and terrified at the exact same time.

Those excited emotions would be short-lived though…

I was diagnosed with another blood clot. 

I told the doctor about our plans for a family.

Much to my dislike I was told those plans would need to wait for at least six months.

I cried.  And I cried some more.

This past year has been an extremely difficult one for me medically.  

I’ve been very open about my blood issue…but behind closed doors I’ve been fighting another medical demon with the support of those closest to me. 

It has all taken a toll on me in more ways than one...

In my last blog, I talked about my incredible experience with Elizabeth and getting the news that “I was good!”

I didn’t really explain why that answer was so important…

Yes, I was good!  The clot was completely 100 percent gone!  Praise God!  

But that was also the green light for Girard and I to start the family we’ve been dreaming of.

We were thrilled – and again terrified! 

 

I haven’t told anybody this…but on the way home from that appointment, we stopped and I picked out a children’s book. 

I loved the words in it.  It made my eyes water. 

It would be our baby’s first book. 

I wrote a message on the inside cover explaining why that day and that book was so important. 

It still sits alone on the bookshelf I had in my room as a child. 

I guess I expected it to happen right away. 

I don’t know how people deal with this feeling for years…

My heart breaks for them.

While it has only been a few months for us…the desire has been in my heart much longer.

Each month I’ve been reminded that I must keep waiting.

I’ve gotten mad and screamed at God.  

I’ve cried my eyes out on Girard’s shoulder. 

I’ve pleaded, begged, and prayed. 

I’ve even tried to convince myself that I don’t care anymore. 

But I know deep down that is a big dirty lie. 

I look at others living my dream and I am filled with a mixture of emotions.

I mean this when I say that I am over the moon happy for everyone who has or is getting ready to have a baby!   Honestly, I am! 

I just wish it was me. 

I want to know what it’s like to feel a baby move inside me.

I want to pick out names and decorate a nursery.

I want to experience the incredible love at first sight that so many talk about.

We had a really bad storm a few nights ago. 

The thunder booms were so loud and the rain just poured. 

Teddy has never been one to be scared of a thunderstorm…but I could tell this time he was nervous.

The power flickered a few times…so I hurried to get ready for bed in case the lights went out.

I picked Teddy up and sat him on top of our bed.

He waited as I crawled under the covers and fluffed my pillow.

As soon as I was settled he cuddled up right beside me and laid his head on my chest.

I wrapped my arms around him tight and we laid that way for almost an hour until the storm was over.

I thought to myself…in an epiphany kind of way…this is what momma’s do. 

They comfort their children. 

I may not yet be a mother to a baby…

But, I’m definitely a momma to Teddy.

And that makes my heart happy…and it makes the sad days less sad.