Dear Baby...

 We've been together 13.5 weeks, you and I.
You are now the size of a peach, about three inches long.
Your tiny bones are still forming and your vocal cords are under construction.
The thought of hearing your voice for the very first time gives me chills up my spine!
I can't help but to daydream about all the conversations we will someday have.

The past few weeks floods of thoughts and feelings have rushed through me.
It's like a tornado of emotions.
One moment I'm calm, cool, and collected.
The next, my mind is spinning out of control.
I'm ashamed to admit that a few of my outburst and tears have been out of vanity.
There hasn't been a day go by that I'm not grateful to have you growing inside.
Trust me on this.  I am so very thankful.
However, coming to terms with the new shape of my body has been a little...hard.
I didn't really feel pregnant...and I didn't quite look pregnant.
Finding jeans that I could button and tops that didn't feel snug was becoming an everyday battle.

But then...when you were 11.5 weeks old, we saw you!
We saw your little heart beating.
We saw you waving your tiny little hands and kicking your tiny little feet.
I needed that moment.
I needed that validation.
There you were safe in my tummy after all the prayers and all the tears...
I think my heart grew three sizes that day.

In a few short days we will get to see you again!
Oh, your momma and daddy are so excited!
We will find out if you are a little she or a little he!
What will you be?!
The suspense is about your drive your momma insane!
Your daddy thinks you are a girl!
Some days I agree with him.  Others, my heart tells me different.
I had a dream, just last night...and you were the cutest little boy I'd ever seen.
Actually, this is now my fourth dream about you being a boy.
You had the prettiest eyes, a perfect smile, and gorgeous blonde hair.
You were wearing the cutest pair of blue jeans and you were running around in the yard with your big brother.
Oh...my heart...I just don't know if it can take it!
The tears...I can feel them coming again.
Actually, it might be another mini flood heading my way.

The love that I already feel for you is overwhelming.
I just don't ever want to miss a second of your life.
The fear of not being able to protect you could just swallow me whole.
Every night, I try to hand it all over.
He knows my momma heart.
He hears my prayers...
I have to remember that before you were mine...you were His.

All my love,
Your Momma

Dear Baby...

This week you are the size of a raspberry.  Last week, a blueberry.

I'm amazed at how quickly you are growing and changing daily.

I'm afraid I may blink...and tomorrow I will be sending you off to college. 

But, for now...you are tucked safely in my tummy; small and completely unaware of all that's waiting for you on the outside.  At some point we were all in your position. 

Maybe in some ways we still are...completely in the dark about what is to come. 

How intimidating.  How thrilling!

 

Your daddy and I, along with many others...have been praying for you for a very long time.

From the moment I saw those two little pink lines staring back at me, I have loved you.

I daydream about who you will be.  

I wonder about what you will look like. 

Will you have green eyes like me and your daddy?

I hope you inherit your daddy's skin!  I've always been so jealous of how easily he tans.

Hopefully you don't inherit my bad temper or your dad's bad spelling.

I think about names and what we will call you.

I pray that you have a tender heart and an open mind.

I pray that you'll love Jesus and always be kind to others.

I just pray for you to be happy and healthy.

You just have no idea how much I already love you.

 

Oh, and your big brother...he is something else.

Do you know that he knew about you before we did?

He hadn't been acting himself and had been super protective and extra clingy.

He sure did have us worried.

After we found out about you...it all made sense.

I keep telling him that everything is alright.

But, I think he is still a little confused.

I know though, without a doubt, that once he meets you...he will love you just as much as I do!

 

All my love,

Your Momma

 

I Want To Be A Momma...

My thoughts have been super jumbled lately. 

Some days I’m happy.  Some I’m sad.  Others I really don’t know how I feel.

At this time last year one of mine and Girard’s dreams came to a screeching halt.

We had finally decided we were ready to start a family. 

I’ve wanted to be a momma as long as I can remember. 

I remember feeling excited and terrified at the exact same time.

Those excited emotions would be short-lived though…

I was diagnosed with another blood clot. 

I told the doctor about our plans for a family.

Much to my dislike I was told those plans would need to wait for at least six months.

I cried.  And I cried some more.

This past year has been an extremely difficult one for me medically.  

I’ve been very open about my blood issue…but behind closed doors I’ve been fighting another medical demon with the support of those closest to me. 

It has all taken a toll on me in more ways than one...

In my last blog, I talked about my incredible experience with Elizabeth and getting the news that “I was good!”

I didn’t really explain why that answer was so important…

Yes, I was good!  The clot was completely 100 percent gone!  Praise God!  

But that was also the green light for Girard and I to start the family we’ve been dreaming of.

We were thrilled – and again terrified! 

 

I haven’t told anybody this…but on the way home from that appointment, we stopped and I picked out a children’s book. 

I loved the words in it.  It made my eyes water. 

It would be our baby’s first book. 

I wrote a message on the inside cover explaining why that day and that book was so important. 

It still sits alone on the bookshelf I had in my room as a child. 

I guess I expected it to happen right away. 

I don’t know how people deal with this feeling for years…

My heart breaks for them.

While it has only been a few months for us…the desire has been in my heart much longer.

Each month I’ve been reminded that I must keep waiting.

I’ve gotten mad and screamed at God.  

I’ve cried my eyes out on Girard’s shoulder. 

I’ve pleaded, begged, and prayed. 

I’ve even tried to convince myself that I don’t care anymore. 

But I know deep down that is a big dirty lie. 

I look at others living my dream and I am filled with a mixture of emotions.

I mean this when I say that I am over the moon happy for everyone who has or is getting ready to have a baby!   Honestly, I am! 

I just wish it was me. 

I want to know what it’s like to feel a baby move inside me.

I want to pick out names and decorate a nursery.

I want to experience the incredible love at first sight that so many talk about.

We had a really bad storm a few nights ago. 

The thunder booms were so loud and the rain just poured. 

Teddy has never been one to be scared of a thunderstorm…but I could tell this time he was nervous.

The power flickered a few times…so I hurried to get ready for bed in case the lights went out.

I picked Teddy up and sat him on top of our bed.

He waited as I crawled under the covers and fluffed my pillow.

As soon as I was settled he cuddled up right beside me and laid his head on my chest.

I wrapped my arms around him tight and we laid that way for almost an hour until the storm was over.

I thought to myself…in an epiphany kind of way…this is what momma’s do. 

They comfort their children. 

I may not yet be a mother to a baby…

But, I’m definitely a momma to Teddy.

And that makes my heart happy…and it makes the sad days less sad.