Beautifully Broken...

Girard leaves for work before the roosters even start crowing.

After he gets up, Teddy curls up or sprawls out (sometimes with his head on the pillow) in Girard's spot.

This has become our routine, Monday through Friday.

Teddy and I doze back off to sleep until my alarm rings.

Some mornings I wake up and Teddy is snuggled up right beside me.

Other mornings, he seems a mile away on our king sized bed.

I prefer the snuggly mornings!

This morning was one of those days. 

As the alarm rang in the background, I was immediately aware of Teddy breathing heavily on the back on my neck. 

I smiled, hit the snooze button, and rolled over to hug him tight...and then I began to cry. 

He continued to lay there as my tears soaked into his fur. 

He has seen me cry a lot lately. 

And every time, he looks at me with his big brown eyes as if he understands, and lets me hug, kiss, and cry all over him until I feel better.

Life has thrown a big punch my way recently.

To some, it might seem like a little slap in the face.

To me, it has felt like a knockout.

Writing has proven to be therapeutic for me in many ways. 

However, right now, I'm trying to choose my words very carefully. 

My thoughts and feelings are still very raw. 

I so badly want to just spill my guts out. 

But, at the same time, I don't want to spill the details just yet. 

Which is a whole nother battle brewing from within.

Vulnerability is one of the most beautiful things. 

It takes courage to share our pain, hurt, and weaknesses with the world. 

Being vulnerable is often viewed as a bad thing - but more times than not, your soul can benefit from it. 

People connect with honesty and brokenness.

And, in that moment, let you know that you aren't alone in your struggles.

I'm still searching for the courage...

There have been more moments than I'd like to admit where I feel like I'm swimming in a sea of self pity and vanity. 

I've been doing my best to keep my head above the water, so to speak. 

Constantly telling myself to just keep swimming - you will reach the shore eventually.

There are moments when tearful pleads and prayers come easier than thankfulness.

Moments where I obsess over circumstances out of my control.

Moments that I look at others and sometimes see them living the life I imagined.

Moments that I resent life not going the way I imagined...

Moments where I feel like I'm living in a fog.

Moments where I question God.  Why, God, WHY?

And that is just the ugly truth... 

Those are hard moments.

But, there is a beautiful truth too...

There have been moments where I've cried out to God for help and understanding, only to realize He is right there, and has been the entire time - in the midst of the storm.

There have been moments of peace and acceptance.

Moments when I feel the fog lift.

Moments where I feel nothing but gratitude for simply being alive.

Moments that I look at Teddy and all my sorrows fade away.

Moments that I am fully aware of all my God-sized blessings.

Moments that I recognize that my weaknesses, stumbles, and trials are making me a better person.

A person more connected, more open-minded, and more compassionate.

Moments that I embrace my brokenness.

Those are good moments.

It Could Always Be Worse...

"It could always be worse.  You could have diabetes or cancer."

Words said to me today...

Yes, it is true.

Yes, I agree.

Do I need to be reminded of it? - No.

Does it make me feel better in this moment? - No.

I know people mean well.

I know they are just trying to be encouraging...

But, if I'm being downright honest, statements like that just make my head want to spin around backwards.

I don't need to be reminded that things could be worse.

I don't need to be reminded that someone else has it worse.

I was just sitting in a waiting room today surrounded by people who are battling cancer...

I KNOW it could be worse.

I read a quote once that said something along the lines of:

Telling someone that they can't be sad because someone else has it worse...is just like telling someone that they can't be happy because someone else has it better...

My family has been through a lot in the past three weeks.

A lot of scary moments.  A lot of happy moments.

A lot of moments to process...

As far as my health is concerned, I've been pretty upbeat through this whole ordeal.

Today...I didn't get bad news.

But, I didn't really get good news either.

I will take blood thinners indefinitely.

Babies may or may not be in the cards for me and G.

There is still a lot of unknown...

Again, it is just a lot to process. 

I left the doctor's office upset, discouraged, and scared about the future...

This is my reality right now. 

This is how I feel right now.

And I think that is okay...

Right now I need time to wallow in a little bit of self pity and to love on my puppy...because that always makes me feel better!

Tomorrow is a new day and I will be fine.

Day by day...

I Can Only Imagine...

Girard is relaxing on one end of the couch while I'm curled up on the other.
Teddy is resting on the floor right by my side.
As the much needed rain pitter-patters outside I've been thinking, reflecting, and looking back through
some of the pictures I've taken...when this thought occurred to me:

If God makes beauty like this in my backyard, can you imagine what Heaven will look like?!