Wednesday, July 15, 2015

I Want To Be A Momma...

My thoughts have been super jumbled lately. 
Some days I’m happy.  Some I’m sad.  Others I really don’t know how I feel.
At this time last year one of mine and Girard’s dreams came to a screeching halt.
We had finally decided we were ready to start a family. 
I’ve wanted to be a momma as long as I can remember. 
I remember feeling excited and terrified at the exact same time.
Those excited emotions would be short-lived though…
I was diagnosed with another blood clot. 
I told the doctor about our plans for a family.
Much to my dislike I was told those plans would need to wait for at least six months.
I cried.  And I cried some more.
This past year has been an extremely difficult one for me medically.  
I’ve been very open about my blood issue…but behind closed doors I’ve been fighting another medical demon with the support of those closest to me. 
It has all taken a toll on me in more ways than one...

In my last blog, I talked about my incredible experience with Elizabeth and getting the news that “I was good!”
I didn’t really explain why that answer was so important…
Yes, I was good!  The clot was completely 100 percent gone!  Praise God!  
But that was also the green light for Girard and I to start the family we’ve been dreaming of.
We were thrilled – and again terrified! 
I haven’t told anybody this…but on the way home from that appointment, we stopped and I picked out a children’s book. 
I loved the words in it.  It made my eyes water. 
It would be our baby’s first book. 
I wrote a message on the inside cover explaining why that day and that book was so important. 
It still sits alone on the bookshelf I had in my room as a child. 

I guess I expected it to happen right away. 
I don’t know how people deal with this feeling for years…
My heart breaks for them.
While it has only been a few months for us…the desire has been in my heart much longer.
Each month I’ve been reminded that I must keep waiting.
I’ve gotten mad and screamed at God.  
I’ve cried my eyes out on Girard’s shoulder. 
I’ve pleaded, begged, and prayed. 
I’ve even tried to convince myself that I don’t care anymore. 
But I know deep down that is a big dirty lie. 
I look at others living my dream and I am filled with a mixture of emotions.
I mean this when I say that I am over the moon happy for everyone who has or is getting ready to have a baby!   Honestly, I am! 
I just wish it was me. 
I want to know what it’s like to feel a baby move inside me.
I want to pick out names and decorate a nursery.
I want to experience the incredible love at first sight that so many talk about.

We had a really bad storm a few nights ago. 
The thunder booms were so loud and the rain just poured. 
Teddy has never been one to be scared of a thunderstorm…but I could tell this time he was nervous.
The power flickered a few times…so I hurried to get ready for bed in case the lights went out.
I picked Teddy up and sat him on top of our bed.
He waited as I crawled under the covers and fluffed my pillow.
As soon as I was settled he cuddled up right beside me and laid his head on my chest.
I wrapped my arms around him tight and we laid that way for almost an hour until the storm was over.
I thought to myself…in an epiphany kind of way…this is what momma’s do. 
They comfort their children. 
I may not yet be a mother to a baby…
But, I’m definitely a momma to Teddy.
And that makes my heart happy…and it makes the sad days less sad.  

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