Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Dear Critics...

The way time marches on after a loss is stunning at first...
It's a slap in the face - to log into Facebook, to watch the news, to go to the grocery store... Everything else carries on as it was before, except for you.
You are changed...  Your life is changed... 
The reality is that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.
Time heals all wounds.  Isn't that what they say?
I've often wondered about the origin of such an empty promise.
"All wounds" - those are pretty good statistics...
Statistics that I don't agree with...and a much-overused phrase that I've grown to despise.
Sure, time is a big factor in healing physical wounds.
The body has an amazing ability (along with time) - to heal a scrapped knee, a bruised arm, or a twisted ankle...
But, obviously those aren't the type of wounds I'm talking about...
I'm talking about emotional wounds. 
Wounds that can't be fixed with Neosporin, a Band-Aid, and a little TLC.
Wounds that are most certainly still felt day after day after day.
In my opinion and from my experience - it's not that time heals all emotional wounds...
but, that with time you learn how to cope.
That "time frame" is different for everybody.
Maybe it takes a few weeks.  Maybe it takes a few months.
Maybe it takes a few years.
Maybe it takes a lifetime.
It has been brought to my attention that some people don't understand why I still grieve over Jordan's death.  They don't understand why "I'm not over it yet." 
"He was your ex-boyfriend when he died."
"It has been four years."
"You're married now."
How insensitive?  How simple-minded?  How hurtful?
Do I think of Jordan / his accident / and his death often?  Yes.
Do I sit around and cry about it every single day?  No.
When certain dates roll around does it bring back memories, feelings, and emotions?  Yes.
His death was unexpected and tragic.
I wasn't prepared for it.  No one was.
It was the first time in my life that I'd lost someone I loved and cared about in that manner.
I'll be the first to admit that Jordan and I had a love-hate relationship, that at times could have given any daytime soap opera a run for its money!
Ex-boyfriend or not - he was still my friend.  One of my best.
Yes, it has been four years.  2014 will be five years.  2019 will be ten years.
I didn't realize that there was some kind of set-in-stone countdown as to when and for how long it's considered "okay" to grieve, or cry, or reflect, etc., etc., etc. - over the loss of a loved one - whether it's a parent, a friend, a pet, or an ex-boyfriend...
Yes, I am married now.  I'm married to a man who is understanding and compassionate.
A man who knows my past, my deepest hurts, and my biggest fears.
A man who will wipe my tears away after a bad day.
A man who loves and accepts me - every part of me.
A man that I am beyond thankful for and that I love very much.
But, it still confuses me...and downright ticks me off that people would be so shallow to think that somehow four passed years and a marriage certificate are supposed to (apparently) erase the past...or ease the pain...or make me magically "get over it."
I wish it were that easy...
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions...
There are billions of people in this world, and no two are exactly alike.
Everyone feels, thinks, copes, reacts, and handles life (and death) differently.
Sure, it's human nature (for whatever reason) to sometimes question the way someone else is living, or the decisions they make, or the way they handle a situation...
And, I think that is okay.
But, I have a problem when the questioning and curiosity turn into judgment and criticism.
What is there to positively gain from judging, insulting, or belittling someone / something you simply don't or can't understand???
Am I saying that I have never wrongfully judged someone?
No, not at all. 
I'd be a fool to try and convince anyone that I've never said or thought something about someone that I had no right to say or think.
But, I've learned a thing or two in the past couple of years...
I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of the ignorance.
It's so unfair, mean and hateful...and most of all - heartless...
And it hurts...  It hurts really, really bad...
Just because I live / think / cope differently than you - doesn't make me wrong.
And, vice versa.
There are and will continue to be so many situations in life that we just aren't capable of wrapping our minds around unless it directly happens to us.  It is impossible to look through someone else's eyes or "walk in their shoes" exactly the same as they do...
I'd also be a fool to think that we will ever live in a world without critics.
Without bullies.  Without hatred.
Without unnecessary judgment...
But, I guess if life were that easy...and that perfect...
...and everyone lived in peace...
...there would never be any valuable lessons to learn or evil to rise up against.
I've heard someone say before that their most successful and fun days in life have seldom helped grow their character...  But the times of deep pain and struggle have grown them extensively.
When you think about it that way...even the days (and people) that feel so difficult can be gifts.
We, you, and I - can grow through adversity.
Hardship is a part of life.
We all experience it to one degree or another.
Remember that.  Think before you speak.  And have heart.

1 comment:

  1. Throw all of those cliques out the window. No one knows how long or how much time it takes for your heart to heal. Only you can know that. Take all the time you need, and surround yourself with people who will love you, support you and appreciate you no matter what! :)

    Alisha and Brandon {the blog}


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